Where was God in our Miscarriage?

My wife and I, at the time, had 2 children. One boy one girl. I was attending college in Minnesota and due to some housing confusion, we were living out of two separate dorm rooms on the college campus. Our kitchen was a microwave and air fryer, our fridge was an apartment sized fridge that was shared with three other couples. Life was tight.

To cut tuition costs, it was mandated that every student attending this college work on campus, with the entirety of your paycheck going towards your tuition. So, to provide for the needs of my family, I had to get a second job on top of that. All that on top of being a full time student, I was putting in a solid 84 hours every week between work and school. Time was tight.

Also, Part of going to this college was a mandatory 16 month internship overseas. We would have to raise support, ( a whopping 110 thousand dollars in 4 months) move over seas, and figure out life in a foreign country, while taking online classes, without knowing the culture, the language, or the dangers within that country. The future was also tight.

So when I tell you that I was adamantly against having a third child, in this season of life, I hope you can at least see where I was coming from. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a dad. Its my favorite thing in the world. I love my kids. I just couldn’t see how it was possible giving the current and near future situations.

And then one day.

I was talking with some friends on the way to my class and this soft voice from within me simply says, “wouldn’t it be great if we had a third kid?”

I laughed, “that was the dumbest thought I’ve had today” I said to myself, and If you find yourself judging me right now, go back and read the top three paragraphs again. We were barley keeping our heads above water.

Over the next week, this voice kept persisting. Always soft, but ever so annoyingly persistent.

“Wouldn’t it be great if we had a third kid?”

Finally, in the middle of a mens bible study, I couldn’t take it any more.

“Guys I need prayer”

I explained the situation to my brothers, and they all started to lay hands on me and pray that If this was the will of God that He will show himself to me and reveal his heart in this matter.

I don’t know what every one was saying. All I could focus on was that voice inside.

“How dare you use your busy schedule to abandon you kid?”

My heart sank. I knew the pain of abandonment. I swore I would never do that to my children. I didn’t realize that that was what I was doing.

“ I’m so sorry God” I said. “ please forgive me”

And ever so quickly and gently, this love began to grow in my heart for this child that was to be, that had not even been conceived.

I went home and told my wife. She had been grieving the fact that I was so adamant about not having more children for a while, and she was 100 percent behind trying for a third. It didn’t take long. We conceived by thanksgiving, and then miscarried at Christmas.

To tell you that I was confused, angry, grief stricken, was an understatement.

In my heart I couldn’t figure it out.

I was fine living life the way we were. I didn’t have plans for a third yet, why tell me to have this child? Why put this love for it in my heart if it was just going to die in the womb?

I had these questions burning in my heart. But I knew two things. One that God is good, and two that He is not cruel.

Because I knew these two things, somehow it felt wrong to bring my why to Him. It sounded too much like an accusation of not being good, or of being sadistic. He had been such a good friend to me this whole time. He had taken good care of me and my family. He had been there for me when no one else would stand by me. He was my friend. I knew who He was and my why cut deeply in my heart, but I refused to utter it aloud, or entertain the thoughts that led down that path.

Instead, I just kept saying.

“I know you are good, I just don’t understand, help me to understand, help me to see you in this, I just don’t understand.”

And as a good friend, He answered.

As I sat in my office with tears pouring down my face, that still small voice spoke up in my heart, but this time it was different.

For anyone who has ever “felt” the presence of God in a worship service or got goosebumps at church from the spirit moving, let me tell you, this was much different.

It was the same spirit of God that was with me, but this time it was Angry. I went from mourning and sorrow to fear instantly.

“ IT IS NOT RIGHT THAT YOUR CHILD DIED. I DID NOT TAKE YOUR CHILD. DEATH TOOK YOUR CHILD AND IT IS NOT RIGHT!!!”

Instantly my fear turned into comfort in the deepest most part of my pain. My friend had been mourning with me. He was even more angry about all of this than I was.

I started tow weep. I cried out to God.

“THOSE WERE MY HUGS, MY LATE NIGHTS, MY BIRTHDAY PARTIES, MY MOMENTS WITH MY BABY! AND THEY WERE ALL TAKEN FROM ME!”

And the voice spoke again.

“We are going to make him regret taking your child, for the one that he took from you, we are going after 10,000 of his.”

And in the moment I understood. I realized where the fight was at. Revenge is the Lords, but even in His revenge, it was a declaration of life. The people, the children, that death had ensnared, that he thinks are his, we are coming for them, and me and my friend Jesus are going to bring them into new Life.

I didn’t realize in the moment how impactful this promise of 10,000 for the one would become to me. I didn’t know where this call to action would lead. But as we now look forward into a life of fighting for the freedom and the healing of children who are sold in brothels, beaten and abused, forced to work in slave yards, or harvested for their organs, I hear that voice every day.

10,000 for the one.

-Phil Morris-